Well, Carol and I saved the worst for last. And Julia, Maria, and Van had all skipped town, so they did not have to suffer through the one hour I regret from the trip -- our tour of Farnese Palace.
It seemed like it would be amazing, but we had one of the worst tour guides, and thus one of the worst tours ever.
Back in the day, the Farnese Palazzo was called one of the four wonders of Rome, so when I scored scarce ducats for a 3pm tour, I thought I nailed it. It was literally the only tour still available in November when I booked it in early October.
It was commissioned in 1513 by Alessandro Farnese, who later became Pope Paul III, and was completed in 1597. Michelangelo worked on parts of the building, and since 1874, it's been the French Embassy.
Because it's the French Embassy only a very limited number of guided tours are given each week (understandably), and people are not allowed to just wander the building on their own (also understandably).
(The use of "understandably" in the above paragraph is called "foreshadowing" by writers who know what they are doing, and also by me.)
The hour started out with a scare. We showed up at the front gate. Two Italian police took my name, checked the list. No problem. And then they asked for our passports. Problem. The passports were safely in the apartment safe. Then they asked for our driver's licenses. Phew.
They saw Carol's and the male policeman commented that it's Virginia. Then he started singing "Take me home, country roads, to the place, I belong, West Virginia," etc. I gave him props -- his voice is awesome. He said, "I'm Italian, and we can always do three things well -- sing, eat, and, well. . ." Anyhow, we were in.
We joined the group as it headed to the center courtyard. The tour is in English, allegedly. It was hard enough to understand the guide. But, there was an unseen workman (behind scaffolding) and it sounded like the work involved using a hammer to shatter glass into smaller pieces. So, even if I could understand the guide's English, I couldn't hear him.
A mom had brought her 4 and 2 year old children with her, so the kids were busy being kids, one vroom-vrooming a toy car on the gravel, and the other flitting about and making random noises.
So, between the guide's inability to be understood, the worker hammering away, and the kids playing not quietly, I don't think I learned anything about the courtyard, much less retained it.
So then we went into the back "yard" of the palace. We left the glass hammerer behind. Except there was a guy operating electric pruners (or something similar), so again, retained almost nothing, except the part where the guide pointed out some of the work by Michelangelo.
"It has to get better inside," I thought desperately, as I realized this was NOT the way to end eight great days in the Eternal City.
Also, no photos are allowed. Typically I get peeved when photography isn't allowed, but I understand the reasoning from a security perspective (being an embassy and all). Although, once inside, taking photos of wall/ceiling paintings, the frescoes, and sculptures would not help terrorists in their attack."
"Oh look, it's the world-famous Galleria Carracci created in eleven years until finished in 1608 by the brother Carracci. This features frescoes of mythological subjects from Ovid's Metamorphoses. Remember those pictures from that random blog we studied? Now, we're in the perfect room to launch our kidnapping of the French Ambassador! Good thing we didn't waste money on taking the tour ourselves!" said no terrorist ever.
Spoiler alert: The tour didn't get any better inside. The kids got louder and became whiney. The tour guide still was impossible to understand. And now, because he had an hour to fill on what easily could be a thirty minute tour, he had to explain EVERYTHING in each room.
Tour guides -- please point out the five most important things about each room, and move on!
Eventually, the mom and kids got kicked out by the nice lady from the French embassy who was accompanying the tour to make sure no one snuck away from the tour to steal important diplomatic cables. (Don't think it didn't occur to me that it would be better to banned from both countries than suffer through anymore of the pretentious guide's pretentious presentation.)
(Editor: There you go again. Double negative just three words apart. Writer: Don't tell me you don't understand!)
(Editor: Also, was the guide really that bad? Writer: Yes. Carol is much nicer than I am and she also thought the guy was hard to understand and boring. So I think I'm actually being kind to him. Editor: No, no you are not.)
We finished in Galleria Carracci, which is pretty cool, but the guide had a need to finish boring us to death by talking about everything in the room, and things that weren't even in the room.
Yup, this was me:
Finally at 4pm, the French embassy representative said, "time's up" to the guide.
Yup, this was Carol and I:
Farnese Palace might have been interesting if it were shorter in length, with less detail about everything in E.A.C.H. room. Farnese Palace might have been interesting if the guide could be understood. Farnese Palace might have been interesting if the workmen weren't working loudly. Farnese Palace might have interesting if the kids weren't so distractingly disruptive.
But it ALL those things happened, so it wasn't interesting. Even if I go back to Rome as I hope, I'll never go back to Farnese Palace.
Maybe it will work out better if you, dear reader, go, but if it doesn't don't blame me.